muck.

Warning, there's, uhh, cuss woids strewn about in here. I just. Feel. Like It. T'day.

Life - It's muck. Or it has been. Lately. Lately as in - Well - About the past month.

But it has always been absolutely wonderful! But mostly muck. Or muck I've made the best of so everything doesn't seem so bad, even though it probably is.

I mean.

The ground doesn't even want me to stand on it. My bag doesn't want me to hold it. My drink doesn't want me to drink it. My iPod doesn't want to play me music. My vision doesn't want to see clearly. My hands don't want to grasp things. And, kids, that's just all todayness.

First, there's the fact I still have an Incomplete from LAST semester. When's that gonna get done? Ask those twenty-four hours that aren't enough, and my regret for letting time slip.

Then there was two weeks ago, facing legitimate harassment for the first time in my life - What was that all about? It seems like it's over, I'm hoping it's over. I'm at that Laughing At It point now, though. I got the better of the situation in the end, so who cares. It was enough to snap a Romantic like me back into Reality at least.

My grandmother - my only one that's still in my life, at least - Passed away exactly two weeks ago [the day after all that not fun legal stuff] and that just built up tension in every way possible. I had to leave for my internship at KCACTF the next morning and constantly had it in the back of my mind despite the non-stop fun. There's really no one else in the world like her. It was an intense experience - I don't know why my head was a blur through the whole thing.

Then I got one of the shittiest phone calls ever this morning. A friend. Facing something I had to face early on in high school that I would never, never, never wish on anyone no matter how I felt about them. Bringing back awful memories. Memories that have been riding my brain all day. My TD and a Full Throttle Blue Demon have thus far been the only things to have succeeded at cheering me up since, per usual.

I haven't received a paycheck since August and the fact my mum's been feeding my checking account non-stop just to keep me surviving in this here world has been creating some sort of spinning black hole in my insides. I hate it - I really hate it. 

Things just aren't really falling together so much - It's more like me piecing them together the second they fall apart - It's a good thing I always carry a wrench on me [HA!]. Ah, and this winter, I'd come to the decision that I don't have time for emotions, or the ones for men that is. It's a known fact - I'm obsessed with men and falling for them. It has proved itself to be my fatal flaw in the past. But I've become a much stronger and cynical person recently and figured - Hell, I don't need to be in a relationship or even date! It's bullshit I don't have time for when I'm trying to get that GPA up, build my Theatre skills and career, and concentrate on moving to the UK.  So what happens? Obviously, within the first two weeks back on campus, I find someone pretty neat who also seems to think I'm pretty neat. So sometimes, I think, Awesome and I hope he calls any second to make me hang out/make out with him. A lot of the time, I just hope he forgot that happened, somehow, and we just never see each other again for fear of more ridiculousness in my life! Haven't heard from him since, so who knows.

I honestly don't know how much more of this Ridiculousness I can face without completely losing my mind when I'm already well on the way there.

Things I'm glad about:  LFC has been winning again. My roommates are absolutely amazing and I really do love them and hope nothing ever ruins our friendship, as that has become quite a huge fear of mine. I find time in my day, somehow, to work out and to chill and play the guitar. Jason and i may be going to see The Mountain Goats in March. I love my home here - My room is humongous and cozy and feels like my space and my roommates aren't gross and our shared space is wonderful. I feel good, in general, much of the time, despite everything.

I'm thinking in drunkenness when I'm sober, sober as hell when I'm drunk, letting words drip out of my mouth like a bloody ee cummings poem, loving hate and hating love, I'm letting things get goddamn EPIC - Whatever, I live for it. Lets see where this shit goes.

Midsummer opens in eighteen days.