crappers crappers crappers!

Alas! Not only am I missing ART BRUT playing in Boston on 16 October for theatre work, but ALSO missing show of a lifetime BISHOP ALLEN with THROW ME THE STATUE also in Boston on 26 October ALSO for theatre work.

I HATE THEATRE I HATE THEATRE I HATE THEATRE IT OWNS MY LIFE and I am currently throwing a fit. A very quiet, grumbly sortaone.

NOTHING GOES MY WAY AND I USE A LOT OF CAPS. I feel like other people who have other jobs can go see bands and have social lives and do things that aren't theatre.

Oh, grumbles. Frick.

gettin the weepers.

I just discovered 'The Giant of Illinois' by Andrew Bird, and it kind of makes me cry, or feel like I might. Touché, Andy Birdy, cos I was previously completely unemotional. Touché.

The entire album 'Dark Was the Night' is my favourite thing of the day.

Also, last entry was 100th entry. Neat. Lezzgosecondhundreds!

and, exhale.

Today was extremely productive - Not so much academically, but my life - And thinking about it while I sip a freshly brewed cuppa [from my brand new electric teapot!], listening to Art Brut through my terrible lapperspeakers [I need external speakers], after a quick shower to get off the horse slobber. Mmm, yes.

I've got a horse! His name is Rico and he's pretty much a big doofy sweetheart - And he is such a fun ride. He's easy, but still needs little bits of work, which is perfect for me. And the boy jumps! I'm going to have so much fun with him.

And smoothing out other stuff that's been weighing on me/putting too much thought into. I think getting life things figured out are more important than academics - Until I'm happy, I can't get work done. It feels relaxing.

Emotional turbulence needs to happen before anything can be smoothed out and,

I feel like I can start to breathe again.

MOVIETHINGS.

So excited for 'Where the Wild Things Are.' No joke. And not just because a) Spike Jonze and b) Arcade Fire and b-squared) soundtrack done by Karen O of Yeah Yeah Yeahs. It's going to be fantastic and make me remember my childhood and that's great.

Also, movie things, found out today that I've got a film treatment due in just over a week. Srsly? No clue. Take into account no budget, no time, and my once impressive camera is kind of crap. External mic, PLZ.

Big although, I'm the only one in the class who is even familiar with Final Cut. Yipes, for them.

Also also, saw the short film 'The Runaway' today. I love German screenwriting and also, probably love German men.

Can'twaitforSundayCan'twaitforSunday[that had nothing to do with film].

cos i'm mister brightside..

..and then, the young woman's drinkin' song was able to be conveniently used as a headertoblorg.

The smell of mintyherbal tea throws this incredible rush of goodness through me. As does a shower at night before bed, as I've been doing the past week or so. I never realised how amazing it feels to wash away all the remnants of the day [which tends to be sawdust and/or paint. Srsly, my body has been coated in a film of sawdust. Whoa.]

Life is good, And I am [usually] happy. Just one important thing missing. And that's stupid, but whatever..

I try out my horse on Sunday. Um, yes, I'm leasing a horse. So freaking excited. So, that's a good thing. Only thing is, I haven't ridden since my three hour gallop through Exmoor country in England almost a year ago. Yipes. I hope I can still show off. I think typically, when you've been doing something approx fourteen years out of your twenty-one year existence, it's hard to lose your skill even after you've been out of the saddle, literally and so to speak, for a year.

And new novel in the works!

But, also, migraine.

If nothing else, I'm proud of how hard I'm trying to be happy. If nothing else.

hooses and horses.

Premier week, apparently. New 'How I Met Your Mother' was adorable and wonderful, as usual. 'House' was an absolute HIT. Best episode in a long time, even if it was kind of ripping off 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' like mad. It had some of those 'Oh hey, I can relate to that' moments, which are evidently necessary in popcultureteeeveeee: 'All I know is I was happy five minutes ago, and now I'm not - How is that better?' Oh, yes. Direct quote from a piano-playing German woman who later ironically breaks House's heart. Aww.

Also, I'm going to stop complaining about not having horses in my life. Um, I'm looking to lease a horse. YIPES. Yeah, it's making me feel kindalika big kid. So my money might totally be going to that rather than a five day trip back to London. Yipes, again. I've already emailed an inquiry about a couple horses in North Dartmouth. Again, yipes. I hope they have good news because I just really need to be riding again.

'You've got to make things better. You can't just keep talking and hope for the best.' -Hoos, again.

expletivexpliftiff.

I am srsly not cut out for this collegiate crap. It's sad I'm still saying that a month into my senior year. [Only a month, huh? Really now?]

Bouncing in and out of sadness, highs and lows of numbness, drinking beer and tea [not together, Chad of last night], wanting whisky, feeling ridiculously old [or malaffectedly, unpurposefully anti-social], leaving parties at 1:30am and feeling like it's way late [summer before last, sleep wasn't something I even considered...I aged twenty years in my twentieth year], rediscovering tunes, wishing for autumn like crazy, making plans for a return to London over Thanksgiving break [plzplzplz], finding ways to keep myself content, finding ways to keep myself myself.

I work in order to forget everything else, I think. Whatever. There are worse ways. [We forget because we must. Matthew Arnold has evidently invaded my thoughts.]

Thing is, there are so many things I'd rather be doing than schoolwork. All productive things! But not school things. I've been working on this stage management handbook for the Barn so people around there continue to know how to stage manage after I'm gone and obsessive, organised, odd little me must keep trucking at that because I enjoy it for some reason. It's a good review, nonetheless. It's forcing me to show off why I have a LAMDA diploma.

I went to Provvy yesterday, per usual. I let a group of pedestrians pass while I was driving up Prospect and one of them, an older gentleman, saluted me, and it was positively thrilling, it really was.

And I had to go to the mall, which I really do not enjoy. It's a pretty grimey experience, of which I really miss playing the honking game as there no longer is hilarious backup all the way up the parking garage, but I needed lotion and the only other Gap's in Newport. Alas. Why I mention this is solely to say that there is a Second Time Around in the mall now - It may have been there before, but I've never seen it and it was exciting. I love that place when I'm in the mood, yaknow. Neat.

Rifftrax also sustain me. 'Self Conscious Guy' made me feel better about myself, and 'Buying Food' made me wish beans cost twelve cents. It did not, in fact, make me want three tubs of oysters.

Quandary of the day, for your thoughts, and hopefully no longer for mine: What does one do when overthinking makes you miserable and not thinking makes you blank? How do you find the magical land of Inbetween? I seek inbetweenitude!

les temps sont dur pour les rêveurs:

oui. c'est vrai. times are hard for dreamers. they've maybe never been harder. but the dreamers are never really stopped..

we forget because we must.

beer followed up by tea.

tea makes everything better. it's true.

the doctor & rose. hope.

pretending i'm at wigram house.

trucks going over speed bumps sounding like buses on victoria st.

imagining the light leaking in the window is from westminster cathedral.

embracing solitude.

planning which stephen fry novel to read next.

peeling paint from my skin.

a clean room.

being wrapped in my lfc fleece.

the elo. the last thirty seconds or so of mister blue sky.

salvation & damnation are the same thing.

truth isn't stranger than fiction. even better when fiction is just as strange as truth.

not thinking about tomorrow, or those tomorrows to come.

forgetting yesterday, remembering yesterdays that were, and not wanting to go back, but just being glad that they happened.

ideas.

smiling.

redefenition.

& did i say hope? calm, silent, smiling, hidden hope.

the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that, so much madder, so much darker, and so much better..

quotes are fine when you can't say it better. i learned that in college.