come on, and get lonely.

I will rise up early and dress myself up nice,

& I will leave the house and check the deadlock twice,

& I will find a crowd and blend in for a minute

& I will try to find a little comfort in it,

& I will get lonely and gasp for air,

& send your name up from my lips like a signal flare..

I'm basking in my own misery. Simply basking in it. Can positively boring, listless, deeply depressing, only passably productive solitude be exciting? Can I make it? Maybe I'm just preparing myself to direct a Strindberg piece. I should watch Strindberg & Helium - Bringing bright bubbliness to meesereeeeeeee!!

But srsly, the bright side's kind of covered up right now [also, really into alliteration at the moment, at the always] - It's like my former go-get-em, everything is amazing, the awesomeness continues day-to-day outlook is eclipsed by something - Eclipsed by a lot of things.

And maybe it's my own decision. Maybe I choose to be miserable because I allow the things that are getting me down to be bigger than life. Maybe I can choose to overcome that, and I guess, in a way, I am. I haven't quit anything and this is probably the most I've tried in school in years. It's probably the most motivated to work I have felt in all four years at uni.

It's that diploma and that conclusiveness that drives me forward. It's hope that in eight months, the eclipse will end in such a brightness. I will graduate magna cum laude despite years of struggle. I will save enough money that living will not be a struggle.

So I'm stuck in this apartment. So I'm stuck on campus. So I know that will probably bring me down every single day. So I'm currently at the weirdest, most awful thus far place with two of my flatmates. So relationships are hard, and weird. So that fantastic restored-mill Fall River apartment is just out of reach.

Sometimes, timing is perfect and sometimes, it's not. But I'm frickin working with what I've got. And everything that's messing me up is going to continue to kick my ass, but I won't give up on the things I really want.

It's always worth it.

There are good things:

Home-brewed loose Twinings Earl Grey Tea. Apparently, they sell both loose tea and Sugar in the Raw at Stop & Shop. When I get paid on Friday, I'm buying an eletric teapot like the ones I always used in London.

& My iPod is working again. Music sustains me. Despite the fact I'm missing a probably amazing Fruit Bats show in Boston right now. Eight am Labs suck up my life, but school, finally, after over fifteen years of education, it's a top priority. Wow.

& while I may have wacked myself so hard in the face with a screwgun today that my lip drooled blood for a bit, the wiggly tooth seems to have figured itself out and is still in my head. Cool.

& not a positive so much as me wanting more things I'll have to work my tush off for: A new camera. A really super fancy one so I can take rad photos that look really profesh. Mostly, I really want that manual option to make photography worthwhile again. I miss it.

& Okay so those are the only silly little positives I can think of right now? But the list will grow, eventually. Things could be a whole lot worse, even if they aren't exactly how I want them.

..and I will go downtown, stand in the shadows of the buildings,

& button up my coat, trying to stay strong, spirit willing,

& I will come back home, maybe call some friends,

maybe paint some pictures, it all depends,

& I will get lonely, and gasp for air,

& look up at the high windows, and see your face up there.

-mg